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“I don’t really care for the way you are treating my wife today. You’re going to have to speak to her with more kindness than that.”
One simple sentence that has sent me on my latest self-exploration adventure. These words were spoken by my husband … to me! Quite the clever guy he is!
This happened on a day when I was choosing to beat myself up for something that was, I am sure, quite silly—I made a mistake, I forgot to return a phone call, I didn’t get to exercise enough, I weigh too much, my hair is the wrong color, I yelled at the kids too many times … the list goes on and on of the ways I fall short in my own eyes. Who knows what the issue was that day, but in my mind, it was huge, and I was a failure.
I am sure you know what I am talking about—we have all had those days! Some of us have more than others, and some of our lists are longer than others, but we all have them. We are our own worst critic. But why? Why do we latch onto the one lie we are told about ourselves and ignore and disregard the many truths we hear? When did our tapes begin capturing the bad and erasing the good?
I know we all have these days of self-loathing. In counseling, this is a theme I see over and over—people are just not satisfied with themselves. They hold themselves to higher standards than anyone else. They latch onto the negative and disregard the positive. They give grace freely to others and forget to hold some back for themselves. And, like me, when these days strike, they treat themselves worse than they would ever treat any other human being.
Then I think about “the golden rule.” Remember that? Treat others the way you want to be treated? That’s funny. I WANT to be treated with kindness and love and respect. I WANT to be treated like an intelligent human being who has something to offer society. I almost demand these things of others. Yet, make allowances for myself.
I think it would be an interesting sociological experiment if we could record our inner dialogue and self-talk for a day. WOW—I wonder what folks would learn about themselves? I wonder what the negative/positive ratio would be? Have you ever thought about that? In relationship counseling, it is a rule of thumb that there have to be 5 deposits for every 1 withdraw. If we are willing to extend this to others, why not to ourselves? What if we considered our own selves a close friend and began acting as if? Our thoughts and outlooks might be a bit different.
I know mine are!
Thanks to that one phrase from my knight in shining armor, when one of those days or moments hit and I notice the awful things I may be saying to myself, I ask these questions: “How are you treating my friend today? Do you think you could treat her with a bit more kindness and love? I think she is having a very sad day!” Try asking yourself those questions and experience the difference it makes.
Photo (Flickr CC) by Ananth BS
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Nancy Caldwell
Latest posts by Nancy Caldwell (see all)
- The Gift of Love - December 31, 2014
- Whispers - November 29, 2014
- Saturday Night - October 14, 2014
- What’s in a Word? - September 12, 2014
- Just Don’t … - August 20, 2014