0
0
0
Gina Regan
Ahh, fall. That magical time of year when the leaves turn brilliant shades of orange, red, and burnt sienna (yeah, I had the expansion pack of Crayola crayons as a child), and everyone agrees that pumpkin flavored EVERYTHING is like soooo delicious. But here’s the thing …
Autumn isn’t all that great.
There, I said it.
It’s not that I don’t like fall. For me, it comes in right behind summer in the seasons power rankings. Squarely in the middle. Good, not great.
Without further ado, I present to you the top ten reasons fall is less than the best:
1. Stomping on dead leaves is only fun for approximately two seconds. Then the realization sets in that those dead brown leaves were once full of life, verve and vim, just like you. What happened to you? Are you entering the autumn of your life, just like these trees? Next thing you know, you’re staring down the barrel of your next existential life crisis. It’s a real concern. Stomp carefully.
2. One can only consume so many pumpkin-flavored items without feeling like a caricature of one’s former self. Pumpkin-flavored muffin mix, pumpkin-flavored coffee, pumpkin-flavored jello, pumpkin-flavored cookies, pumpkin-flavored beer, pumpkin-flavored oatmeal, pumpkin-flavored gum, pumpkin-flavored ice cream, pumpkin-flavored laxatives, pumpkin-flavored marketing ploy! I’m onto you, big corporations. I predict an uptick in peppermint-flavored goods in just over four weeks. Prove me wrong, America.
3. Scary movies/haunted houses/anything that “goes bump in the night.” How does anyone think these things are fun??? Call me crazy, but I don’t derive pleasure from anything claiming to “scare you”—I just get scared.
4. If I see one more photo of someone at a pumpkin patch, I’m going to lose my ever-loving autumn mind. We get it; you like to travel 30-60 minutes to sip apple cider, crunch leaves beneath your boots, proudly display your flannel shirt/puffy vest combo, take an itchy hayride or two, and pick out your very own, perfectly round, just-the-right-shade-of-orange-to-match-my-DIY-felt-scarecrow-doll-on-the-front-porch pumpkin. Or you could go to Kroger.
5. The days are getting shorter. I wake up in the dark. I leave work at the end of the day in the dark. Does the sun even exist anymore?!?!?
6. I feel like there is a lot of pressure to come up with a clever Halloween costume; pressure that I’m never ready to deal with. I yearn for the days when a simple black witch’s hat was all that was needed or expected. Also, 98% of all store-bought outfits should never see the light of day (I’m lookin’ at you, sexy Bert and Ernie costumes).
7. It’s getting colder! I do not do well in the cold. In fact, I hate being cold. And then fall rolls in all, “Hey, time for socks and closed-toe shoes and light jackets and scarves,” and I’m all, “NO THANKS, FALL.” Is it so wrong that I’d like to keep rocking my jean shorts and sandals and not have the “do I/don’t I need a jacket” debate in my head before I leave the house every morning?
8. Corn mazes, you’re not fooling anybody.
9. Ok, this one isn’t really fall’s fault, but it happens in the fall nonetheless—political ads. Politics. Woof. Amiright? This year is especially annoying because the vast majority of ads I see, as a Cincinnatian, are for the Kentucky senate race. Can’t vote, won’t vote for anyone in Kentucky. Stop running ads. Thanks.
10. Don’t you people realize that fall means winter is lurking close behind, maniacally sipping hot cocoa in a perfectly draped wool scarf next to a crackling fire with a pair of skis casually propped against the mantel, listening to “The Christmas Shoes” on repeat and softly muttering, “I’m coming for you, my darlings?” And I think we can all get behind the fact that winter is, quite simply, the worst. #winteriscoming
I’d go on, but I’ve got a pumpkin on my counter just begging to be carved …
Photo (Flickr CC) by Andy Hay
000
Gina Regan
Latest posts by Gina Regan (see all)
- WWYD with 7 Spare Hours? - September 3, 2015
- My New 3 Steps to Building Muscle - August 6, 2015
- Ten Years - June 29, 2015
- Hope in Guatemala - June 10, 2015
- Maybe - June 2, 2015