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Paula Stone Williams
Scott Peck began his best-selling book The Road Less Traveled with the line, “Life is suffering.” All the great sages acknowledge life’s suffering. That we suffer is not the question. The question is whether or not we suffer well.
Psychologist Erik Erikson suggests we can respond to life, including its inevitable suffering, in one of three ways. We can respond creatively, by leaning in. We can respond neurotically, by retreating into isolation that keeps us from the unpredictable life. Or we can respond by reframing, telling the world our retreating behaviors are necessary in light of life’s harsh realities. As you might imagine, Erikson believes the first response, creatively leaning in, is the only healthy approach.
In earlier seasons of my own life I opted for Erikson’s third response. I did not see myself as the neurotic isolationist and in fact, I was not. But if I am honest, I did often reframe my decisions to retreat, telling the world (and myself) the retreats were necessary in light of life’s harsh realities.
Now that word is out that I am transgender, one could understand why I was inclined to reframe. I knew those harsh realities would be difficult to navigate. But we are never prepared for these things. The reality has been more difficult than I imagined. But I knew the time had come to either be real or spend the rest of my life reframing, speaking words that had the musty aroma of falsehood, couched in convention, drenched in security, and packed away in a dark corner of my frightened mind, far from my willing heart. I knew that constant reframing would eventually eat away at my soul. I could continue to retreat or I could lean in. I leaned in.
All the great writers agree with Erikson that creatively leaning in is the only decent way to live. Poet Mark Nepo suggests we are eroded, worn to our beauty, one season at a time. Samuel Beckett wrote, “I can’t go on. I go on.” Wendell Berry said, “When you no longer know what to do, you have come to the real work.” E. E. Cummings said, “Yes is the only living thing.” Great writers lean in.
I take Erikson at his word. Life is to be leaned into, with full-throated passion, steadfast mind, and wide-open heart.
Photo (Flickr CC) by Abhi Ryan
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Paula Stone Williams
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